Coming to therapy is a big step, you are struggling and though you have tried to make things better, the pain won't go away, you still feel the same - disconnected, disengaged,  
Asking for help is uncomfortable, perhaps because it touches on your feeling inadequate you can't solve the problem. And yet. I  know through my own personal experience, when you have reached the end of your tether, and are tired of trying, is usually when you are finally open to a new way of being in the world.

Although presented as a linear sequence, therapy is mostly a process, one that allows for a greater connectedness & grounded experience of oneself, when you are willing to do the work.  
 
Insight involves reflection, (part of the reason I encourage journalling), in session I will prompt you to reflect on what is going on for you. It allows you to make sense of, explore the why of and look at the consequences of, YOUR experiences. You likely have some ideas around this, and at the same time ‘we don’t know what we don’t know’…. talking about things in a safe & skilled therapeutic environment fosters a deeper understanding and richer self-awareness.
It is an opportunity to connect with, & give voice to difficult or obscure feelings, neglected parts of yourself. This can be very healing. Other times more is required. 
 
Ideas & Inspiration 
Insight allows us to begin to gain awareness around some of our behaviours, defences and habits-why meditation is beneficial, to start to cultivate a relationship with our inner world. To start to bring that which we have hidden from ourselves into the light of day, for we cannot change that which we are unaware of. This is an uncomfortable process, but if you can stay out of judgement, and allow the process, you will help yourself.
 
Move a Muscle Make a Change
This refers to the fact, that regardless of how much insight you have, action needs to be taken to integrate and embody these changes, which can be as basic as allowing your EMOTIONS to flow – we CANNOT heal what we cannot FEEL. 

The first system we become a part of is our FAMILY.

Which sits within a CULTURAL system, a SOCIETAL one, and a GLOBAL one.

All these systems have trauma, norms, usually assigned roles for the individuals within them, as well as implicit and explicit ways of being.

During my first overseas adventure I discovered the parts of me, the characteristics that were very much a part of the Australian culture in which I had grown up. Living in England, I recognised the qualities that had their roots in England. Certainly the drinking habits, which were not so much a part of my Greek roots. Generally in greek traditions, drinking is very much a compliment to FOOD.

The differences between the Greek culture from which I originated and the Australian culture I was raised in, were very much at the forefront through my adolescence, where home was Greek, and school not. Like many in the same boat, I toddled between the two, an added element in the transition of adolescence, which is all about discovering who we are outside the family system.. 

And within that Greek Australian mix, was an entirely different expression of the Greek culture from the country of GREECE. 

We cannot stay the same when we make a new choice, as the conceptual moves into actualisation, the experience transforms whether we want it to or not. some navigating the transition with more ease than others, yet, regardless, it is uncomfortable. When you migrate from a country that doesn't even speak the same language, the most basic things become more effortful. Hence, the very normal creation of cultural enclaves. 

Recently in a conversation with a cousin, we shared our individual awareness, that our parents would have been entirely different people had they stayed in Greece. Noting how her aunts in Greece were outspoken, lively, in their exchanges with their husbands, unlike her mother, who like my mum,  was submissive, and would not challenge her authoritarian husband. The process of migrating to another country, created an entirely different expression of the Greek culture, often more connected to the time of departure, than Greece presently.

These are the intergenerational threads that weave through our lives, influences in ways we don't always see because we are so immersed in it. Ties often being claimed as who we are, as an individual. The system is a powerful vortex, one that you feel more keenly when you choose to step out of its assigned roles. 

Who are you? in this context, becomes a call to truth. 

And fundamentally is the question I believe you get to explore, and find an answer too, through the therapeutic process. It has revealed itself in the stressors of your life, in the overwhelm, in the desire for something different. As you set yourself free, you also release those from the assigned roles you have given them, allowing for new possibilities of being in relationship with & one of the reasons I was inspired to create the CODEPENDENCY Group. It is not always comfortable, because your present comfort, lies in who you have been till now. I am here to support this process of true freedom & discovery. 

Lately, my relationship with the ocean has been changing. After 2-3 years of my goggles sitting idle, one day I spontaneously took to using them, not just for swimming, but for snorkelling, delighting firstly in the quiet underneath the surface. Then, in the fishies I got to see at one of my local beaches, where a couple also delighted in showing me some of their moves. From this vantage space, the waves looked different, and consequently I felt different with them, as they moved over me.

These experiences feel relevant to the photo I took above, on a walk along another beach yesterday, where the force of life made itself visible in the most spectacular way as the waves landed on the matter of the rocks. It was exhilarating, to experience and witness, in the first half of my walk, totally riveted I was!

There is a person swimming in the stillness of the pool, not seeing what is coming as the waves crash on the rocks and yet he is part of the experience regardless, the ripples continue into the pool, affecting him and being shaped by him.

And, on another level, the pool can be seen as a metaphor for the body, as a container of life force that is not separate from the greater. ocean (the Mother).... Its structure creates its unique shape (container), makes it tangible, yet it does not limit or keep out the force of life. Rather, it is one with it, an individualised expression of the inifinte ocean.

It also brings to mind how that which makes me, you, most powerful & potent, is dynamic, and most natural and organic to who I truly am.

The waves in this pic from the first time brought to mind seahorses, which feels like a perfect note to end on.

We cast shadows.

That's part of the human experience.

We all have parts of ourselves, denied, because we were told it wasn't acceptable early on. So, we hid it, even from ourselves. 
And we pretend these parts of us don't exist.

And we cast it out, hook onto compatible others, 

we don't like. 
Who annoy us so.

If they would only change, we could be at peace,
have things flowing,
our way.

Why don't they stop interfering, intruding in our life?

Shadows, falling back.
Hiding,
From the truth, 
That all parts are worth loving, and serve a purpose, until we are ready to welcome them home. 

To love ourselves, back together. 

Oh, the courage you have....

What if you didn't make a new year's resolution?

What if instead, you focused on being exactly where you are?

Moved towards acceptance, rather than futurising/projecting into the year ahead, in this particular moment.

What if, you took some time to turn inwards after a hectic month of socialising, and doing?

Breathe.

Feel your beautiful body, your beautiful heart that pulses blood, the essence of you to every corner of your being.

What if, you remember you are enough?

Breathe.

Some tips to support you through the Christmas Season:

1. Hydrate
2. You don't have to attend every event you're invited too.
3. Rest, sleep, eat well.
4. If you're going to multiple places on Christmas Day......find a way to do it so that you're minimising the stress factor for you. Can you do it differently?
5. Breathe.
6. Use mundane incidental moments like bathroom trips, in the car, to breathe, come back to centre.
7. When you find yourself getting overwhelmed, com back to the the present moment through your senses & your breath.
8. When you find yourself comparing your experience to others presented on social media, remember, it's a snapshot.
9. There are no should's.....easy to forget that when laden with obligations.
10. Manage your alcohol intake.
11. If you’re in recovery, go to meetings, reach out to your sponsor, friends in recovery.
12.If you're struggling, reach out to someone you feel safe with, or Lifeline 13 11 14.

Wishing you joyful & loving moments in your days,
Be kind to yourself, nourish, and nurture.

Love,

​Xanthe xxx

Here we are moving towards the end of the year at a rapid pace it feels......and this blog is inspired by a common occurrence in the realm of relationships, named triangulation.

I will try and do it justice in the written form, by keeping it simple. I want to add how often this can be quite an unconscious thing, nevertheless, no less stressful or problematic.

Triangulation is defined in one site as a form of manipulation to divide and conquer two other people, a form of manipulation. For example, in a family, this is how it might look........husband & wife are stressed, their relationship is problematic, and so, a third individual is brought into the relationship to alleviate the distress, often a child.

What often happens then, is a sense of closeness is formed with the child by one of the parents, and this causes a fracturing in the relationship between the child and the other parent. You can translate this across a whole slew of relationships.
I had a situation in recent times with a client, whose parent was doing exactly that. I could feel the attempts to win me over to their cause. I re-emphasised my boundaries, yet the parent continued to try. 

Personally, I had an old friend I caught up with after many years, who wanted me to help another friend, do what she was unwilling to do. In the past I would have jumped in boots and all, this time, I said no,. I have no doubt that friend walked away thinking I was no longer a caring human being, and I am okay with that.  

That is the point of me sharing this knowledge.

If you feel this may be going on at work, or in your home, the best thing to do is bringing everyone together, if you feel you are up for it. There's nowhere to hide. If you feel unsafe doing that, you can always engage a professional or mediator. 

Any thoughts or queries, please share them in the comments below.

.....was once the title to a book.
A journey within.
Something therapy is all about, developing a relationship with the different parts of you, in order to make conscious, what is unconscious.
Becoming aware of your defenses, your habits and preoccupations, in order to change them.
It is not a comfortable process, yet it is the only way through, to greater congruence between your inner world, and the outer one.

IN fact, I think at this time, with the plethora of information available on just about everything, including the self development, self help world, this journey inward is even more necessary. It is easy to get lost in the conflicting pieces of information, and developing a relationship with your inner world, is the truest way to greater clarity and peace. One of the things that enables greater discernment is actually our sensing/feeling nature (SOUL). 

This is often the part of us, we are most uncomfortable with, find it easiest to betray, in the persistent and consistent pressures of the outside world. Expressing, and walking through the stuck emotions, is to allow for more expansiveness & clarity in  our FEELING nature.

So much so, I feel addictions are simply on a continuum.

For some, it is drugs, alcohol, gambling, gaming, shopping, etc. easily recognizable,
for others it is work, rescuing, relationships, DOING, over-giving, anything to distract, turn away, from SELF.

Lately, every time I hear or see artificial intelligence, I hear ADDICTION........using something artificial (outside of yourself) to manage or control your internal state, in order to feel more at ease with your external world. An artificial high is never fulfilling, has a short life span, and what goes UP this way, must come down.

Getting out of these habits/addictions, takes effort, and a willingness to change, no different to the efforts it took to create them in the first instance, except on the road to recovery, you are moving towards a healthier, more whole version of YOU, one day, one step at a time.

​Change is our natural way. 

Many happy returns!

This blog began when I saw the below summary of a book on the cover...

"In Her Father’s Daughter, Mary Loomis uncovers the inner price of living up to masculine expectations and definitions of success. She shows women how to break those ties, move through their hidden shame, and take charge of their own destinies."

Then, I remembered a conversation I had with two women, during a time where I was contracting to Telecom in NZ. One of the women was Maori, and the other Samoan, and the topic was about women in leadership within companies......must have been some talk on the fact there aren't that many of us up there. And I recall we were saying something along the lines of ......maybe because many of us don't want to be. Speaking for myself I had discovered through being a manager in the printing industry, it wasn't all it was cut out to be, and I started to feel like a babysitter. I preferred the idea of working with people in collaborative partnership - two competent mature adults, even if I wasn't fully one myself yet. The main point being, that being a manager or at the top of the food chain wasn't my measure of success.

And I talk about this specifically in relation to women, because I am one. I have no doubt there will be males who read this who can relate and women who don't.

I recall talking with a women who was a grandmother, successful lawyer, on this topic, and she shared with me how in her experience it wasn't true....sure she had the successful career, and her children were mainly raised by nannies, so yes technically she had it all and qualitatively she didn't. Just because we are told we can have it all, doesn't mean that in our hearts we want or truly desire it. It is to follow the normalised experience.........even these days with greater awareness of the socialisation of gender, and more options available, I was surprised to notice when my niece came along, many stores have the pink for the girls, blue for the boys.

And the research continues to show, when kids come into a relationship the usual stereotypes prevail.........though, it is very heartening to see so many dads being hands on in a way that previous generations were not.

My point is this, "having it all" is mostly based on external & standardised measures of success.....that by nature to date, mostly ignore the internal landscape. And yet, one of the most widely written about topics is happiness. So, we all desire to be happy, to live a fulfilled life. Yet, if we don't have the time to reflect, and open our awareness to this internal world, to discover what that is for us, we will go along with the conditioning of family, society, community.....and wonder why, when we have it all we feel miserable, and judge ourselves as ungrateful, etc.

When I moved out of home at 19, it was not seen as an acceptable thing within the Greek community, some folks let me know that, a couple of friends partners said, rent is dead money. For me freedom was more important and living at home till I supposedly got married was unfathomable.

Yes, you can have it all...whatever that means to you.....but, do you want it all?
What makes your heart sing?
Can you hear the whispers of your soul?

After a time working in addictions, because it was a private rehab, wealthier clients, I started to understand why the addictions, in the presence of lives filled with long work hours, and constant demands, relationships suffered and addictions prevailed.. The grass always looks greener, but the grass is only on the surface.

And another thing to consider is this, just because something makes someone else happy, doesn’t mean it will be the same for you. I have many friends who married and had kids, happy with that, for me that was never my dream.

In developing a conscious relationship with our Soul, we begin to discover more of who we are outside of the roles we play. As we bring more of who we are into the world, the fulfillment is beyond anything we can imagine, in our separated state.

Breathe with that.

And wishing you an enjoyable day!
As always, love
​Xanthe

​.

Who am I?

A great question to sit with, and to discover......an answer, many answers, as you sit with.

Some things I have learnt.
Many roles I played, were exactly that.....like an outfit I put on, a character in a play....some got so fused I thought that was who I was, 

and yet, I discovered in the unravelling, they were adaptations to circumstances and contexts, beyond my control and yet the choices were mine.

Entangled in relationship laden with duties and obligations it can be hard to discern who you are.
Breathe.
Create some space.

I offer this......instead of trying to work out authentic you, try asking what is authentic to me right now? in expression....to share what is real in the moment, and in time that will reveal. Seeing a therapist can help because it is someone not in your life, where you will likely bring things that you wouldn't to others. Where you have some space to explore without expectations and agenda....to discover....more of who you are. 

There are many things I would do differently now.