Resting in the peace of you.

A month ago, my mother passed from this world, to the next, quietly and peacefully. I was there, and it was such a contrast to how she was in life, a sacred moment. Tears flowed, of sadness, and relief. The previous 3months as she was ferried between hospital and nursing home, her quality of life deteriorated further, and for the majority of the time she was bed ridden. I could often see she was exhausted. One day, I found myself having the urge to let her know, it was okay if she wanted to go, we will get through it. 

There had been a rhythm to things, in the 3months prior to her passing,  our family was in a bubble, with this being a central focus, being present, and doing what was needed, everyone playing their part. 

For me, it is my first major loss and after the funeral, I found being in the quiet, allowing the settling was what I wanted more than anything. The truth is, I had experienced the first loss of my mother 29years earlier when she had become floridly psychotic, being eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia.  

It's only been a month, and yet in some ways it feels longer. In moments, it seems odd she is no longer here, and in others I feel relief knowing she is free of the pain and suffering, having felt her close a couple of times. I never know when tears will flow, but then, I am not a weather app. I take care of myself, knowing it is all perfect.

In her passing, I have come to see clearly the role we played for each other, and the true significance of our journey together, through the good, the bad and the ugly. And when that truly landed, it touched my heart deeply and brought more tears. 
 
Words pale. 

Love always, all ways.