True power comes from within, it is our essence. It is not about power over, which you can find a more thorough description of in my previous blog on coercive control. 

As I sit in my lounge writing this blog, the birds sing their song outside my window, my morning delight. It is an expression of their nature. 

I hear the sharp feint note of a car as it passes by, expressing its nature. 

What is most natural, organic to us, is often hidden in the conditioning and socialisation of our life. It is quiet, whispering in moments through nudges, urges to move towards or away from something or someone. It does not announce itself, is without fanfare and yet it is what is most true about us. 

It is not found outside of us. 

And there is within each of us, a natural urge to move towards it. One that does not adhere to logic, or rational ways. IN fact, it disrupts the ideas we have erected in our wounded state, shaking them loose. 

A woman once said a wise thing, "What if I don't know what I am avoiding?" 

It is what we know which most often gets in the way of our evolution. 
And yet, there is a knowing within you. 

Breathe.

One step,
one choice, 
one day at a time.
There are no wrong or right choices, bad or good, simply the ones that lead you home. 

​Love always, all-ways

Last year sometime, a client was sharing an experience they witnessed, in an online group workshop with a renowned therapist/practitioner, involving his interaction with a mother and daughter. No sooner had she finished sharing the experience, out of my mouth popped the words, that’s coercive control. And as I sat with this revelation after the session, I could see more clearly than before, how it is the norm in the power over dynamic of the world.  
 
It is alluded to, yet not directly named in co-dependency literature, you can’t control others. Yet, being told you can’t control others, does not mean you truly believe it or immediately stop. It is part of survival intelligence, it is systemic, no matter who you are, and what differs is how you express it. The words matter less than the distortion that underpins it, rooted in survival, a sense of powerlessness and helplessness where the impulse is to alleviate those feelings through control. This is where the Karpman triangle of victim, bully, rescuer comes in. You enter it through one of those 3 roles, and move from one to the other. 
 
It does not matter whether your intentions are good or bad, many of us, well intentioned have inadvertently caused harm, we try and help someone for their own good. Using language such as “calling it as it is” …….” you spot it you got it” ……. weaponizing pain, woundedness, because that is the nature of it. It is not logical, it is all about power over, grossly visible and amplified in war, yet, the same dynamic plays within each of us, until we come home to ourself. 
 
A simple mundane example, on my walk yesterday, two women approached me, one looked new to the job, they were selling something. The trainee said, you look friendly. And I responded, yes, I am, and I am not interested. As I walked away, I heard a new thought, you don’t get to bank roll my friendliness. I knew I created that experience for that very reason, to recognise that choice in my own being.
 
In the meantime, if we are willing to step out of the blame game, to begin to take responsibility for ourself, this allows us to begin to recognise the person we are trying to save is us. We are rescuing others in the hope someone will come rescue us. These dynamics are sticky, insidious, and dense, that’s why it takes time, consistent work to transmute them. It is not a quick fix, it is doing our own shadow work, that puts us on the path of true healing, allowing things to begin to change inside of us, in the first instance.

Love always, all-ways,
Xanthe 

Yesterday.I watched a documentary - The Life & Tragedy of Moriah Wilson. I hadn't heard of her before, but it turns out she was a gravel cyclist and quite a good one at that, up and coming, a bright future ahead, and then, she was murdered.

At the root of it was 'jealousy' from the girlfriend of a guy also a cyclist she dated for 1week, whilst he was on a break from said girlfriend. 

The amount of times I have watched crime documentaries involving romantic relationships, where the violence or death of a partner, usually women, has been a result of jealousy is high. 

Interestingly I found myself having a random stream of consciousness recently about this thread of jealousy in my own life, where it has shown up in many ways - partners not entirely comfortable in the relationship I have with their wife; mothers of the relationship with their daughter, sibling relationships, daughters of the relationship with their mother....and occasionally romantic partners expressing it momentarily. It's never logical. It feels to me like jealousy like many emotions, has a primal quality to it, that is activated under certain conditions. And perhaps it is because of this, that we find it embarrassing to admit to it, for it doesn't align with our more sophisticated, frontal cortex idea of who we are. It has been relegated to the category of 'bad' emotions. Which of course, means into the shadow realms it goes, where it often has more power in affecting our lives. 

Certainly going by the unfolding in the documentary, it has some brutal consequences. 

Before we go further, lets throw in a definition:

"An aversive emotional response that occurs when a valued relationship is threatened by a third party." Parrot & Smith, 1993

The young woman who murdered Moriah shot her 3times at close range, an indication of the rage her jealousy brought forth. We discover through the course of it, she was in the area for some time circling, fuming, ruminating. . 

I found myself thinking about this documentary afterwards, the guy, though he wasn't the one who pulled the trigger, contributed to the escalation of emotions in this relationship. In fact, towards the end they showed him now, in the aftermath of it all, having reduced his world and expressing how he wished he'd never made the choice to do cycling, meet either woman. For me it is a reflection of his inability to experience fully the emotional consequences of his part in this tragedy., yet. No, he isn't the one who pulled the trigger, but he certainly wasn't a bystander. 

And then, I remember, how that thread of jealousy was always present with  mum (based in her story), not far beneath the surface, yet out of sight, hijacking, affecting, and eventually erupting out of  the shadows, as she entered the transition and. pressure of menopause. I imagine it cause her much suffering, unable to settle within herself.  

Perhaps it is her passing that is affording me a different perspective, and allowing me to choose differently in its presence. Realising, how my attempts to alleviate the jealousy another was experiencing, was never mine to resolve. And, in fact, in this unveiling, I can see for the first time, how my attempts to please, accommodate the jealousy, of another, was a self betrayal rooted in survival.  

Love always, all-ways,
​Xanthe 

A month ago, my mother passed from this world, to the next, quietly and peacefully. I was there, and it was such a contrast to how she was in life, a sacred moment. Tears flowed, of sadness, and relief. The previous 3months as she was ferried between hospital and nursing home, her quality of life deteriorated further, and for the majority of the time she was bed ridden. I could often see she was exhausted. One day, I found myself having the urge to let her know, it was okay if she wanted to go, we will get through it. 

There had been a rhythm to things, in the 3months prior to her passing,  our family was in a bubble, with this being a central focus, being present, and doing what was needed, everyone playing their part. 

For me, it is my first major loss and after the funeral, I found being in the quiet, allowing the settling was what I wanted more than anything. The truth is, I had experienced the first loss of my mother 29years earlier when she had become floridly psychotic, being eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia.  

It's only been a month, and yet in some ways it feels longer. In moments, it seems odd she is no longer here, and in others I feel relief knowing she is free of the pain and suffering, having felt her close a couple of times. I never know when tears will flow, but then, I am not a weather app. I take care of myself, knowing it is all perfect.

In her passing, I have come to see clearly the role we played for each other, and the true significance of our journey together, through the good, the bad and the ugly. And when that truly landed, it touched my heart deeply and brought more tears. 
 
Words pale. 

Love always, all ways. 

I do not make New Year's resolutions, and haven't for a long time.

This year I found myself thinking about how through travelling, I have learnt there are many New Years - Chinese in February (year of the fire horse); Coptic on 7 January, Maori in July, Astrological in October, so, we have many opportunities to restart, reset.

Saying that, I do like the numbers for this years 1 January 2026 - 1:1:1, (NEW) and enjoyed having the day to myself, resting, allowing, and enjoying the finale for Stranger Things, which didn't disappoint.

How you choose to start the NY is up to you. I don't have the answer to that, I have seen across social media, people sharing many different things, for some resolutions are a thing, others feel how they spend the first day sets up the themes for the rest of the year, some people like to pick a word for the year as a point of focus. 

I know these thresholds are meaningful, being present, receiving, is my modus operandi. 

I wish you a year of more true, more love, peace, and the space to discover the richness of YOU. Your presence is required & the grandest gift.

Love always, in all-ways 

We begin with a step, followed by another, 

and so it goes, one moment, one day, one choice....allows for a filling of your cup, or empty, 

Little big moments, 

allowing for something different.

Being present to your life, to what is arising within you, to the pain and the joy, to allow the flow of that which has been waiting for that moment, nudging, calling to you.

To rediscover, that which is beneath the lies, the pretence, the performance, the pleasing and even the perfection. 

the Christmas gift you unwrap like a Russian Doll, over time, to discover, you are so much more than you ever thought, and so much less than you ever carried. 

Breathe.

This is not a race, it is the pace of YOU unfolding true.

Breathe.

The process is under new management, to be discovered, through staying present to what is before you, nothing more, nothing less.

Wishing you a gentle season, where you remember a little bit more, you are enough. 

Love always, all ways. 

In the unfoldment of our unravelling, we begin to see more clearly.

That which once lurked in the shadows, rises to be revealed. Though this is uncomfortable, may even be upsetting, it is necessary to allow for you to know yourself more truly.

Unconsciousness makes way for conscious.

Recently in a conversation with a friend, who was seeking to understand addiction and how it might relate to her, out of my mouth popped "think simply of it as where the ego seeks to control the soul." Of course I loved this SOUL simple distillation!

And through this lens, it perhaps easier to see how relevant it is to us ALL!!

And maybe this is the truest choice available to us in our human experience, will I control OR will I allow SOUL again and again and again.

When I had that thought come to me (the title of this blog), the first thing that popped into my mind was how in Greece, decades ago, a body would be exhumed after 5years and the remains placed in a tin box, in a vault or room, with many others, because there wasn't enough land. At a certain point they found that was too soon as the bodies weren't decomposing as fast, so they would leave it for 10years.

And then, I travelled to Egypt, and visiting one of the tombs at the Valley of the Kings, deep down, and how well the paintings were preserved due to their depth, and the lack of oxygen. For historical relevance that was seen as beneficial. And yet, I notice as I am writing this, my interest in history is no longer what it was. 

Many of our unhealed wound/s, are also deeply buried, often unknowingly fuelling our motivations, choices and preferences. 

Recently I watched an interview Kate Langbroek did with Rosie O'Donnell, someone whose career I haven't followed closely at all.  I enjoyed her being so candid about her life - the loss of her mother just before her 11th birthday, whose funeral was held on her birthday, and the wake on her brothers. After which their father took them all to Ireland for the summer, and on their return, (their father had pre-organised for the neighbours to remove any signs of their mother from the house) it was as if she had never existed.

No conversations were had, that was it.

Then, I watched the doco on Charlie Sheen, and one of the things that jumped out at me, was kind of eerie, was how much of his choices were parallels of his dad's life. Right down to his struggles with addiction, and making similar movies to his dad. . 

The trauma injury is what happens inside, NOT, the event. 

None of us knows we are injured, wounded, until we do, and that in itself is a process of revelations that unfold in perfect timing for each of us. Our journey of recovery is unique to us, that is why there isn't ONE universal solution. As we are open and willing to face that which we have been avoiding, which has been holding us hostage, we will begin to get the clarity we have been seeking. Suddenly, we realise oh, that's why I didn't like that movie, person, place or thing. 

It's not always convenient, comfortable, or orderly, and there are no quick fixes, yet, it is the only way to true freedom. 

Everything that I have waded through, has brought me to where I am today, the joy of being me, full of life and enjoying the ongoing evolution & discoveries (things I could not have conceived from where I was) as I walk this new road.

Typecast in the movie world, is a verb, meaning

"to assign (actor or actress) repeatedly to the same type of role, as a result of the appropriateness of their appearance or previous success in such roles."

​When it popped into my thoughts today, it was in relation to diagnosis, to the labels we use to describe ourselves, to the boxes we inhabit.. Often for good reason,
there is comfort in denial, safety in hiding, familiarity in knowing what to do.

When viewed in this light, struggle seems to me, an impulse, an invitation,to go inside, to discover, the truth of you..

Someone said to me recently, but for a system to change, everyone has to go to therapy..I disagree, YOU in your truest expression, essence, make a difference when you choose to deal with your part. In fact, that is the only way you make a difference.

Meet you sometime in the future when you're ready.

Take care. 💝

Coming to therapy is a big step, you are struggling and though you have tried to make things better, the pain won't go away, you still feel the same - disconnected, disengaged,
Asking for help is a beginning into a new frontier .

It is an opening a door to your inner world and usually facing what you have done your best to avoid. .
The part that gets neglected in a busy life. For most of us, it is when we are struggling, suffering, tired of trying, that we are ready for something new.  

Although it may appear as a linear sequence, therapy is mostly a process, one that provides the opportunity to discover more of YOU. Friendships are wonderful, yet most often, in these conversations there are opinions and directives offered that unintentionally move you further away from leaning into your experience. 

Insight involves reflection, sitting with things, emotional honesty  (the benefit of some kind of journalling), in session I will always invite you to connect with what is going on for you. It allows you to make sense of, explore YOUR experiences. You likely have some ideas around this, and at the same time ‘we don’t know what we don’t know’…. talking about things in a safe & skilled therapeutic environment, having space to hear yourself, to more deeply lean into the experience you are having, allows energies to move.
It is an opportunity to connect with, & give voice to difficult, hidden or obscure feelings, neglected parts of yourself. This can be very healing. Other times more is required, after all you are more than a talking head!

Ideas & Inspiration
Reflection allows us to begin to gain awareness around some of our behaviours, defences and habits-why meditation is beneficial, it allows us to start to discern the difference between the mind, and the wise part of ourselves. To listen to the body, to dial down the noise, and notice when our internal guidance system is giving us a nudge, to start to bring that which you have hidden from yourself into the light of day, where transformation is possible. This is an uncomfortable process, sometimes it's messy, confusing, but if you can stay out of judgement, acknowledge what is going on for you, move towards acceptance, and allow the process, you will get through it, change will happen.

Move a Muscle Make a Change
Regardless of how much insight you have, action needs to be taken, rest too, to integrate and ground these changes, which usually means giving yourself space, time, leaning into the discomfort, allowing your EMOTIONS to flow – we CANNOT heal what we cannot FEEL.

For queries or to make an initial appointment you can reach me on 0416 481 892 or via email [email protected]