Codependency

In recent years, whilst working at a private rehab outpatient service I started running a codependency group, as it felt to me this underpinned all addictions. In the process of running the group, I increased my own understanding of this dysfunctional style of relating. 

Why is it dysfunctional? 
Well, because it is usually emerging from an imbalanced internal experience, where we are often entangled or enmeshed with another person or object, to such a degree, we are unable to experience or express our reality without deferring to theirs. It is easily seen in romantic relationships, think Romeo & Juliet, but not limited to them. In fact, this style of relating often begins in our family of origin, system and for that reason, it is why it takes us years and layers, to be able to see it clearly, for what it is.

At the time when I was running the group, I came across a book by another Psychologist who has been working in the field longer than me. His book was titled Prodependence, which seems now, like a positive spin on a dysfunctional way of relating. I feel he was reacting to the pejorative way in which the field was behaving towards the family of clients in recovery. For me the book was trying to solve a problem at the level at which it was created, the mental level.

Yes, when there is someone in the family who is unwell, the family system does reorient itself to that person, putting them in centre stage. Though this may be necessary and beneficial in the short term, when it is maintained long term, it becomes a malaise of the system. An important point though, this style of relating was very likely present before. To change things, each member of the system needs to focus on their wellbeing, making that a priority, and then, they are available to support of the other, if they are want it, in a healthier way.

An important thing to remember is this style of relating is very embedded in culture,. In certain cultures, like the one I grew up in - Greek, you can't miss it. Boundaries, what are they? Your business is my business, and it's my duty to tell you how to do your life. Yet, even in the Australian culture I grew up in, where being passive aggressive is popular, it is present.

One of the key things that makes this relationship style, many of us adopted from habit, family and culture, dysfunctional, is that its all about projecting your needs onto another, trying to get them met by other, and pleasing them in order to get what you want. I am hoping that last sentence alone helps you to see what a circular and exhausting process this is!

Healthy relationships are two whole people, coming together, in mutual respect, care and love, each taking responsibility for their own stuff. Choosing to spend time together because they like each other. It sounds idyllic, yet it is real, and entirely possible. It will require courage, and effort to change, yet, you have that within you, for you can't have made it this far in life without it.

Feel free to reach out with any questions & I will be starting a group again as soon as I have at least 6people. Send your interest to my email: [email protected] or call with any queries. 




​