Coercive Control

Last year sometime, a client was sharing an experience they witnessed, in an online group workshop with a renowned therapist/practitioner, involving his interaction with a mother and daughter. No sooner had she finished sharing the experience, out of my mouth popped the words, that’s coercive control. And as I sat with this revelation after the session, I could see more clearly than before, how it is the norm in the power over dynamic of the world.  
 
It is alluded to, yet not directly named in co-dependency literature, you can’t control others. Yet, being told you can’t control others, does not mean you truly believe it or immediately stop. It is part of survival intelligence, it is systemic, no matter who you are, and what differs is how you express it. The words matter less than the distortion that underpins it, rooted in survival, a sense of powerlessness and helplessness where the impulse is to alleviate those feelings through control. This is where the Karpman triangle of victim, bully, rescuer comes in. You enter it through one of those 3 roles, and move from one to the other. 
 
It does not matter whether your intentions are good or bad, many of us, well intentioned have inadvertently caused harm, we try and help someone for their own good. Using language such as “calling it as it is” …….” you spot it you got it” ……. weaponizing pain, woundedness, because that is the nature of it. It is not logical, it is all about power over, grossly visible and amplified in war, yet, the same dynamic plays within each of us, until we come home to ourself. 
 
A simple mundane example, on my walk yesterday, two women approached me, one looked new to the job, they were selling something. The trainee said, you look friendly. And I responded, yes, I am, and I am not interested. As I walked away, I heard a new thought, you don’t get to bank roll my friendliness. I knew I created that experience for that very reason, to recognise that choice in my own being.
 
In the meantime, if we are willing to step out of the blame game, to begin to take responsibility for ourself, this allows us to begin to recognise the person we are trying to save is us. We are rescuing others in the hope someone will come rescue us. These dynamics are sticky, insidious, and dense, that’s why it takes time, consistent work to transmute them. It is not a quick fix, it is doing our own shadow work, that puts us on the path of true healing, allowing things to begin to change inside of us, in the first instance.

Love always, all-ways,
Xanthe