Jealousy

Yesterday.I watched a documentary - The Life & Tragedy of Moriah Wilson. I hadn't heard of her before, but it turns out she was a gravel cyclist and quite a good one at that, up and coming, a bright future ahead, and then, she was murdered.

At the root of it was 'jealousy' from the girlfriend of a guy also a cyclist she dated for 1week, whilst he was on a break from said girlfriend. 

The amount of times I have watched crime documentaries involving romantic relationships, where the violence or death of a partner, usually women, has been a result of jealousy is high. 

Interestingly I found myself having a random stream of consciousness recently about this thread of jealousy in my own life, where it has shown up in many ways - partners not entirely comfortable in the relationship I have with their wife; mothers of the relationship with their daughter, sibling relationships, daughters of the relationship with their mother....and occasionally romantic partners expressing it momentarily. It's never logical. It feels to me like jealousy like many emotions, has a primal quality to it, that is activated under certain conditions. And perhaps it is because of this, that we find it embarrassing to admit to it, for it doesn't align with our more sophisticated, frontal cortex idea of who we are. It has been relegated to the category of 'bad' emotions. Which of course, means into the shadow realms it goes, where it often has more power in affecting our lives. 

Certainly going by the unfolding in the documentary, it has some brutal consequences. 

Before we go further, lets throw in a definition:

"An aversive emotional response that occurs when a valued relationship is threatened by a third party." Parrot & Smith, 1993

The young woman who murdered Moriah shot her 3times at close range, an indication of the rage her jealousy brought forth. We discover through the course of it, she was in the area for some time circling, fuming, ruminating. . 

I found myself thinking about this documentary afterwards, the guy, though he wasn't the one who pulled the trigger, contributed to the escalation of emotions in this relationship. In fact, towards the end they showed him now, in the aftermath of it all, having reduced his world and expressing how he wished he'd never made the choice to do cycling, meet either woman. For me it is a reflection of his inability to experience fully the emotional consequences of his part in this tragedy., yet. No, he isn't the one who pulled the trigger, but he certainly wasn't a bystander. 

And then, I remember, how that thread of jealousy was always present with  mum (based in her story), not far beneath the surface, yet out of sight, hijacking, affecting, and eventually erupting out of  the shadows, as she entered the transition and. pressure of menopause. I imagine it cause her much suffering, unable to settle within herself.  

Perhaps it is her passing that is affording me a different perspective, and allowing me to choose differently in its presence. Realising, how my attempts to alleviate the jealousy another was experiencing, was never mine to resolve. And, in fact, in this unveiling, I can see for the first time, how my attempts to please, accommodate the jealousy, of another, was a self betrayal rooted in survival.  

Love always, all-ways,
​Xanthe